The Adventures of a Bohemian Butterfly

To want.

2012-01-20T00:48:00.000-08:00

What does it really mean to want something? I am not sure that I know. I know what it means to want the new Louis Vuitton bag that I will never be able to afford, or to want something delicious to eat... but that is not the same as that inner yearning - the voice telling you that you crave something so intensely with every fiber you are made up of.

What is that like?

There are very few things in this life that consume me. While always emotionally based, in the past the romantic in me could make even the most unhappy of things lovely. I was caught up in the throws of being high on life, or down in its murky depths. Though not always pleasant, there was something vibrant about that deeper yearning, about its passion for life and for the ups and downs that life creates for each of us - so juicy.

Now, the consumption takes on a very different tone. Somber, serious, lonely. So much doubt - doubt about myself, about my appearance, my abilities, my path, my choices, my mannerisms, my health, my life... I can't stop the waves of self hatred and constantly feel like I am putting up a mask of "holding it together" - when really I am continuously falling to pieces on the inside. How can I be a beacon for others when I can't be one for myself? And yet, I know that I can - I have experienced myself doing it - where is the blockage to turn that around on myself?

Wanting... The one thing that I want so badly, to help me to feel like myself again, is to lose the excess, gain back my shape, become more fit... I feel like a broken record over and over and over again with the same ridiculous message, again with a diet shift, again with a life shift - it never stops. And each attempt just leaves me feeling more and more badly about myself. Why can't I do it? Why not this time? What went wrong? What is wrong with me? and then I have to wonder...

Do I really want it?

It seems to me that if you really want something, you would do anything for it. If I really wanted to be thinner, be happier... wouldn't I do anything for it? Wouldn't I be willing to eat nothing but salads and chicken and work out for hours every single day until I got what I really wanted? Am I lazy? Am I uncommitted? If so... why? Don't I constantly think that if I could just get that one thing fixed most of my problems would go away??

When I do follow a healthier regimen, when I restrict what I eat, when I get myself together - I feel constantly like there is a war in my head. It is between the part of me that wants to be good and obtain my goals, and the part of my that wants to experience and enjoy life full tilt. They are at war. "Eat the frozen yogurt!!" the experiencer says, "you could die tomorrow and you might have died not having that last bite of deliciousness!" The stricter part of me says, "don't listen - you are just going to feel terrible about yourself... more terrible than you already do, and that is saying something." Sometimes one wins, sometimes the other. Either way, I - Sarah - can't win. I am either left feeling like I have missed out on life or hating myself for giving in.

I cry.

The battle is raging. Over what, I am not always even clear, but it goes on anyway. I am certainly the daily casualty of this war. Do I even really want what it is that I am fighting about?

I can feel myself shatter...

Namaste,
Sarah

New Year

2012-01-02T07:20:00.000-08:00

Usually, I like to do a cleanse to kick off the new year. However, I am not so sure that I will be doing one this year. I am finding that cleanse after cleanse is still feeling great for my body... but is making me neurotic in the mind. Since I have been at Bastyr, I have definitely developed a food neurosis - not good. There is a running joke that if you don't leave with one, you haven't really been paying attention - so I don't feel like this is abnormal in any way - but I do feel that it is negatively impacting my self image, which is already terrible.

Instead of a cleanse, starting Wednesday when we get back to Seattle from vacation, I am simply redoubling my efforts to go back to the diet of healthy eating and exercise that I was on before the winter break. I was starting to feel really good and it was becoming very doable - this is the place that I would like to get back to. Will I throw in a little detox tea? Probably, I can't help but feel that I want to do something to help get all the sugar and alcohol out of my body after celebrating the season and 2012, but nothing as hard core or crazy as I might have been going after previously....

Being gentle with myself but staying the course to create transformation as we are ever evolving. That's the goal.

Namaste,
Sarah

Gathering

2011-12-30T11:09:00.000-08:00

This little guy has been brightening my life for the last week

There is lots of information out there these days about the amazing life transformation that can come with being a better person, enacting a change of heart, treating yourself and others with more compassion, openness, kindness, etc. When I read these things, I am filled with a greater and deeper sense of meaning and purpose. And then 10 minutes after putting down the book/article/website... I am back to my old ways. How do we make these changes stick?

During my time at Naropa University, I heard a lot about the benefit of meditation every day and about having a regular practice. I wanted to think that it was doing something for me, that I would gain some deeper insight - but my mind rebelled. Why would you be sitting on a cushion instead of using that time and energy to go and DO something in the world to create change. As much as I tried to follow my heart... I just wouldn't listen to myself.

Last year, I was fortunate enough to be on the biofeedback shift and TAing for somatic medicine and counseling 3 (covering motivational interviewing...) at the same time. Without intending to, I put myself into a situation where I was constantly being reminded of my breathing several times a week.. which lead to a daily awareness of it and, by the end of the quarter, a shift in the way that I was breathing overall. I noticed that I became more grounded and more settled over time and that the conscious effort that I had to apply was less than it had been at the start of the term. The realization that perhaps some attention daily can change things was complete - I was a believer.

So, does this mean that I have started to meditate daily? No. Still scared of that one. (see a few posts back...) However, I do now see the benefit and my awareness of the longer term outcome of a small action now has been deepened. While I am still cultivating my resolution for the new year, I know that it has to be about trying to cultivate some inner stillness and contemplation. My acupuncturist wants me to "yin gather" - create some time and effort to gather and replenish my resources and not give out so much of myself. This is an EXTREMELY difficult practice for me, one that must be set with much intention and focus in order to come to fruition.

How do you create stillness and ground in your life?

Namaste,
Sarah

Connection

2011-10-30T22:48:00.000-07:00

It is amazing to me how I can be virtually "surrounded" by people via social media (Facebook, Twitter, Foursquare, Instagram, and many others), be with people in class or at school 5 days a week, have an active social life, live in the city where my family is... and still feel totally alone. Gone for me are the days of adolescence where I could (and did!) call a plethora of people to chat with about amazing things in life, troubles in life, philosophy on life, and things otherwise not serious at all. I used to be on the phone with friends for hours, in fact, it was one of the main reason that I had my own phone line (remember - back when you only had a land line and if you were on it, it was busy, end of story...?). I suppose, along that same vain, I had people who I could call to see if they wanted to go and run errands with me and maybe while we were out we could go and grab lunch or something...

What happened?

Now we live in a world where we are more "connected" than ever, and yet completely disconnected. In fact, just today I noted that a friend on Facebook wrote as his status update: "Contemplation of the day: why, after reading Facebook, do I often feel more disconnected than before?" This seems to be the theme of the times, and yet, no one is reaching out to change things.

For me, it used to be that I only noticed the lack of relating when something difficult was going on in my life. I often felt like I didn't have anyone to go to who would be willing or have the time for that hour long conversation on the phone - whose busy life I wouldn't be disrupting, or to whom I felt connected enough to even reach out in the first place. However, lately, it seems that I feel this lack of connection all the time.

So, how to move through?

I have been thinking a lot lately about how often I think about people that I no longer see. There are many people who played roles in my life, either major or minor, that left an impact on me... and I think about many of them daily - just wondering how they are, what they are doing, how life is treating them. I am sure that they have no idea that someone in the world thinks about them that often and would care if harm came to them. I still have a shoulder for them to rest on, should they ever need it. It dawns on me then that, if I am thinking of them and they don't know, then certainly someone must be thinking about me and I just don't realize.

My heart softens and for just a split second... I can feel a whisper of that sense of belonging that I used to be so intimate with.

So, no matter how alone you might think that you are, how disconnected, know that someone, somewhere has had their life changed because of you... and they honor you for that, even if you are not aware of it. In this sense, we are all part of a greater connected community that is looking for each other, for compassion, for belonging....

Namaste,
Sarah

Slashes

2011-09-26T09:06:00.000-07:00

In Brene Brown's book "The Gifts of Imperfection" she talkes about one of the essentials for wholehearted living as doing meaningful work. She goes on to explain that meaningful work doesn't always take the form of your primary job, but could be one of your slash careers - such as an accountant/jewelry maker or banker/chef...

In a great discussion with some girlfriends last night about this book, we all went around and said what some of our slashes were: mom, photographer, comic, goof-off, scientist, jam maker... As these amazing women were adding to their lists, I have to admit that I wasn't sure what was going to come out of my mouth... what was it that I was going to own for my own slashes?

In this world that is so hell bent on telling us to be the same, yet find our individuality - it is so easy to lose sight of the roles that we already embody in life and how important those roles are to our whole hearted existence. How many times a day do you think that you are not leading a full life or feel like your brings-home-the-money job defines who you are? Some of us are lucky enough to find a way to make our passion and what brings us alive also be the source of our sustainability, but for the rest of us, we have to become aware that the things that make us come alive and remember the sweetness of life are the things that are important to cultivate. She ends with a beautiful and poignant quote by Howard Thurman:

Copping some attitude in Jamacia

Don't ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.

If you haven't checked out Brene Brown's blog yet, you can do so here.

As for my slashes, I came up with a few... and I have been thinking and adding to the list ever since. Here is what I have got so far:

Forever student/kick ass wife/broke fashionista/friend/practicing yogini/seeker/serious Gleek/philosopher/daughter/sister/storyteller/occasional baker/kitty mom...

What are your slashes?

Namaste,

Sarah

One of those days

2011-08-26T11:54:00.000-07:00

Ever have those days where you hate everything about yourself? I am having one now... and feeling slightly alone, I thought naturally in this technological age... I'll blog about it.

Today I have spent almost an hour trying on outfit after outfit to find one that I feel that I look tolerable in. I still don't like what I am wearing, but I am tired of trying on clothes. All I want is to be able to throw on a pair of shorts and a tank top, toss my hair up and walk out the door feeling cute. This doesn't happen today... or ever. I DON'T do shorts, as much as I would love to. My thighs and shorts, they just don't get along. Whenever I put on shorts, I can hear them laughing at me as if to say, you? really? You are really gonna walk out in public in these? They always come back off again.

But, someday... I still dream of pulling on a pair of cute short jean cut offs and a breezy white tank, my hair up in a loose bun with some strands falling out... flip flops... and looking in the mirror with a smile before heading out the door. I don't want to give up that vision and at the same time... I am so tired of being sad....

I hate summer. So much easier to look cute in jeans and a sweater, more to hide in.

namaste,
Sarah

On the Road Again

2011-08-22T10:03:00.000-07:00

I should start to read my own blog and listen to myself. In just re-reading a few posts I am reconnecting with promises that I have made to myself, challenges and goals that I have wanted to accomplish and then lost my motivation. If only I had gotten back on here and read what I had to say when I was started, maybe I would have completed some of them...

I am at a new place now, I suppose. One where I have realized that I need help, professional help. The one thing that I haven't done in all of these eliminations, crash exercise junkie moments is had an external guiding voice helping me to navigate. No, I'll be fine on my own, this is what I am training to do for others - I would tell myself, but clearly, that is not working.

So, I have on board now an acupuncturist/nutritionist who I am tackling the food and digestion side of things with, and soon an naturopath who will hopefully be helping with the everything else in my health picture (exercise, asthma...). I am hoping that with a team in place to support me and guide me from an outside opinion I will finally have some advocacy for myself other than just me.

Also, I am trying so hard not to just focus on "health" this time as a size or a number of pounds. I am wanting that real transformation that is about feeling healthy and strong and finally back at home in my body again. I want to be able to do something and know how my body is going to react, not continuously be surprised by it as I feel I am now. That is a real definition of health and wellness.

To kick things off, my nutritionist has me doing a "jumpstart" of digestive fire from a traditional chinese medicine (TCM) point of view. This equals no processed foods (I don't eat a lot of this already), no dairy (which increases "damp") and no sugar (which puts out the digestive flame) for two weeks. I am already one week in and the change has been tremendous. I find that I am much more connected to noting how I feel after eating and tuning in to my body about whether I am hungry or full, what I am in the mood to eat.... It is a level of awareness that I haven't had in a long time and I love how connected I am feeling. It will be interesting to see how this goes after the two weeks. I am not so sure that I want to put these things back into my diet... or that I need to put them in. This way of eating seems very sustainable to me and very agreeable with my body. (BTW... sugar is in EVERYTHING.... which I knew, but now I am really aware...)

The one thing that I haven't done is set some concrete goals yet, which I think are important. I do have the longest term goal which it to be feeling at a healthier and more balanced place by graduation in June of 2012. While I appreciate that I am not setting an impossible goal in a short time, I do think that it will be important to set some smaller guiding goals along the way, but I am having difficulty coming up with something that is not weight/size/appearance based. Hopefully, in working with my ND, I will have some perspective and ideas of what other things to focus on as guideposts on this journey.

The third part of this journey for me is the mental one. I have been struggling with this piece I think the most of all of them (as any of you who actually read this know). I haven't fully committed to having a professional on board for this part yet, mostly because I am not sure who to go to who will fit the need that I want - which is a personal, spiritual, emotional integration and balancing. I want to be able to find the time to make time for myself, my own social world and still have time for family, my husband, school. Right now, I don't really feel that I am good at making time for any of those things: I don't really study like I could be, I don't have time to see people, I don't take time to do restorative things for myself... I do spend a lot of time mindlessly on the computer or with the TV at night (though thankfully not lately)... I don't like doing those things, they don't fill me up.
This past two weeks, Kris has been really busy too and so we have had more time to do our own things and not be watching TV. It is pretty amazing to me that in that short amount of time, I have made the effort to spend more time with friends and to journal and prepare food with intention etc. I have found that I have had a much more positive outlook on life and on myself - even though I still don't like what I see in the mirror, I am looking at myself with more hope and less despair. I really appreciate that the little touch of getting back in tune with myself can provide that positive perspective switch. It is amazing what being in a greater community can do for you. I had forgotten what it was like to be surrounded by friends...

The question now is, how to keep that going when I am crazy busy in classes and TAing and doing preceptorships... I suppose that this will unfold and that constant reminders (like maybe re-reading my own writing) will be very beneficial.

For now, on this cloudy Seattle summer day, I am just taking things one step at a time, not berating myself when I fall down but instead picking myself up lightly with compassion and putting myself back on the path towards wellness...

Namaste,
Sarah

Obsessed with Pinning!!

2011-07-28T22:56:00.000-07:00

So... for those of you who have not discovered Pinterest, do it... immediately.

Seriously, if you have ever found inspiration in visual imagery, this is the site for you. Basically, you are creating boards of inspiration upon which you can pin any image that you come across to thereby creating a medley of lovely things to look at. I am totally obsessed with pinning and I can't stop.... (unfortunately, I am finding that I am not that adept at finding images that I love now that I am trying to hunt them down...)

If you want to follow me I have added a follow button on the right hand side. :)

Okay, back to pinning...

Sarah

How to Come Home

2011-07-05T13:03:00.000-07:00

Hello,

Sorry for the absence, but now as we ease into summer here in Seattle (finally), pockets of time have crept back into my life affording me the space for writing. There is so much to say about what has been racing through my mind the last few months, but for now, I will start with where I am at today.

Home has many definitions for many people. For some, it is a physical place, their actual house or hometown, or perhaps a school, etc. For others, perhaps a person or a feeling that they get when they are around a group of people. Others may yet find it in nature, or within themselves. For me, my sense of home is multifactorial, as I imagine many people's are. I do consider Seattle my home, as I was born and raised here... I have a certain sense of belonging and love for this town that will never fade.
In another sense, I have a home with my husband. We have lived in two different states, several different locations and traveled many places, but as long as we are together, there is a sense of connection that I feel where I am grounded at have that feeling of belonging. Additionally, I have this feeling when I am surrounded with my friends as I was yesterday to celebrate 4th of July. I have known them for so long that just their presence puts me at ease and reminds me of who I am, where I came from and where I am heading.

Recently however, I have not found a home in myself. Where I once felt connection to who I am and physically where I am in space, now.. there is an unfamiliarity that I can't seem to bridge. My physical body has been changing as I am getting older, as my life has become more sedentary, and as my lungs are changing again through adulthood. Where I once knew what to expect when I attempted a physical feat or when I looked in the mirror, I am now astounded at what the reality is. And not in a good way. I recently realized that, while I haven't always been best of friends with my body, there is not one thing about it that I like currently.
Furthermore, I am realizing that I create my own mental suffering about the situation. I have many a patient at the clinic who I am working with to have acceptance for their situation as it is right now. However, hypocrite that I am, I am unable to do the same for myself. If I gave up the image of the smiling and happy super skinny girl in my head.. I would perhaps be more at peace... or would I? Giving in to the idea that I am where I am right now, translates to me (in my head) as being overweight and ugly. How horrible. How horrible that it is my view of myself, because it is not my view of anyone else. I know that often we are the hardest on ourselves, but really? This seems extreme to me. How is it that I can think that others are amazing and beautiful in their own bodies and lives, and yet not extend the same courtesy to myself, my own life?
As long as I am unwilling to give up the image in my head, I will continue to be unhappy and not feel at home in my own body. And giving in to what is at the present feels like the most horrid and sorrowful thing that I could admit to myself.... With the realization of this dichotomy, I feel at the precipice of a dark well of despair which is threatening to engulf me. How do I cope? Should I give in to the change, fall over the edge, and then know that it is hopefully the bottom of the well? What if it is not? Do I keep holding myself back as I have been (which doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere)? It is hard to know.

Along with all of this, is the general need for lifestyle overhaul that is ongoing. (If in doubt, read any other post on this blog ;) ) I would say that the majority of Americans could use a lifestyle tweak here and there: change in diet, more movement daily, etc. This is difficult for everyone, myself included, since life is busy and change takes energy (often which I don't have to give). I am realizing, the difference in my situation is that my career depends on my own health. As a Naturopath, if I am not able to be an example of the benefits of the medicine, why would people come to see me? It is so much easier to just take a pill and if I can't show that there is a better level of health out there that doesn't involve that, why would they put in the effort?
I find that I am very motivated for like a week, then as soon as something comes in the way, I am not so motivated any longer. What is the secret to making the changes just be life? I have been able to do it in the past, so why not now?

So, ultimately, I am not sure how to come home to myself in my own body. Grappling with this has been one of the most difficult things that I have mentally had to deal with. Especially since I was silly and like so many people, I always thought to myself, I will never have to worry about my weight and eating habits... this has come as a bit of a slap in the face. Perhaps this is where my drive for adolescent medicine comes from. They are at an age where just one positive adult influence with some information about health that they can connect to can help to change the rest of their life. Amazing. Anything that I can do to help another person not to have to go through this horrible process... or to make it at least a little easier, is exactly where I want to be.

Hopefully not so long until the next time...

Namaste,

Sarah

Longing

2011-05-26T13:15:00.000-07:00

I have wanted to write on here so badly... and school is currently eating my life.

Until I can get to a full post, quick pic of me drinking coffee and writing a paper at Neptune Coffee in the Greenwood neighborhood of Seattle:

Hope you are having a fabulous Wednesday!!
Sarah

Coming down into the Now

2011-04-21T09:04:00.000-07:00

How much do we actually live right now? I know that I am always looking ahead to the next thing, the next week, the next year... and to some degree, you have to because nothing would ever get done right? But, within that state of planning and dreaming about things to come, how can you be present in this moment and content with this life. You know, the one that is going on around you right now?

Maybe this is why I love yoga so much. My hour and a half on my mat is just for me to be there, right then. Sure some of the positions are difficult and it is easy to want to dream myself away, but often fighting against the posture makes me tense up against it and then I am out of alignment and it is more work for my body to hold me there. Instead, if I stay present and pay attention to what is happening, I am able to deepen my experience of the pose and go deeper to a place where I am more supported physically and mentally. Of course, the moment I step out of class it all goes away right? Then I am back to fighting and constantly trying to be 26 steps ahead of myself.

This comes back to meditation. So... go ahead, ask me if I have sat on that cushion since the last post. (remember, the one where I was leaving because I was going to meditate?)

I'll spare you the suspense... nope. Not once.

Why? What is the fear about? Why am I so afraid to be vulnerable with even myself?

As Brene Brown would say, we can't close off to emotion selectively. When you close yourself off to feeling vulnerable and feeling pain, you are also closing yourself off to feeling joy and delighting in the world around you.
How long has been since you had a moment of utter bliss? Maybe it was recently... maybe not. For me, it has been a long time since I have had something that I am truly looking forward to, truly joyful about. What does that say about my opening to vulnerability?

This is her TEDtalk video if you want to hear more. She is an eloquent and profound speaker.

Today... honor what is ordinary

Namaste,
Sarah

On the Edge

2011-04-15T16:13:00.000-07:00

Do you notice a theme here? I do well, something happens that knocks me down, I stop what I am doing - then I get back to being motivated with a new goal, a new challenge and I am really good until something comes along and knocks me back down again.

Ah-ha!

Soooo... what is the underlying obstacle here? What needs to be addressed, moved, changed, shifted in order for these healthy habits to stick? There must be an underlying theme here that I don't want to face - and I believe that it is my job to figure it out and work with it.

A patient said to me the other day, without the edge, there isn't growth. The edge is a scary place, full of mystery and the unknown, places to slip and make mistakes, perhaps even fall. If you don't take chances you can't see the ledge that is right beneath you waiting to catch you and give you new perspective.

Pema Chodron writes:
Many of us prefer practices that will not cause discomfort, yet at the same time we want to be healed... We can try to control the uncontrollable by looking for security and predictability, always hoping to be comfortable and safe. But the truth is that we can never avoid uncertainty. This not knowing is part of the adventure, and it's also what makes us afraid.

So... I am going back to the gym (already today) and have to do an elimination diet for school yadda yadda... You've all heard it before, just scroll down a few posts and I am sure that there is one that talks about that. ;)

My edge for the next three months, and hopefully into the rest of my life, is going to be meditation - the work that brings forth the facing of things deeper that we could imagine. Ever since being at Naropa University (where a daily practice was supposed to be part of the curriculum), I have had an aversion to the cushion. I fought it in all sorts of ways: filling up my schedule, complaining about it, using excuses like cleaning the house or that I didn't have the appropriate space. Now, I again have to choose a contemplative practice for a class, and instead of running and doing something "simple" for me, I am committing to meditation practice daily... for just 15 minutes to start.

15 minutes, out of my day... no excuses right?

So far this week I have thought about doing it, thought about what type of meditation I should be doing, and bought a meditation cushion (pretty lavender velvet). The cushion sat in the trunk of my car for about 4 days - I have just brought it in the house today...
Obviously, my aversion has not subsided. Pretty sure that there are a string of excuses just waiting around in my head.

Pema Chodron:
Start where you are. This is very important. Meditation practice is not about later, when you get it all together and you're the person you really respect. You may be the most violent person in the world - that's a fine place to start. That's a very rich place to start - juicy, smelly. You might be the most depressed person in the world, the most jealous person in the world. You might think that there are no others on the planet who hate themselves as much as you do. All of that is a good place to start. Just where you are - that's the place to start.

Okay, no excuses..

Namaste,
Sarah

Racing, Frustration and Redemption

2011-02-27T10:56:00.000-08:00

Meet up before the race

So, I ran my race. The day after my birthday. My first 5k... it was so fun. The weather was perfect, a little cold, but not too bad... not raining which was glorious! Over 2500 people ran, walked, danced their way around Greenlake with me. I ran the entire thing with a time of 34 minutes. Hooray! It was really really fun and now I want to do another one... soon. There is only one little detail that is holding me back: I sprained my ankle at the end of the race. Boo. It is getting better, but still hurts with too much movement and can't really like point my toe or anything without pain. I have been trying to rehab it, but this is my first injury like this so I am not totally sure what to do with it.

We are gonna get this race!

Since the race, I have been sick... again. Third time in less than two months. SO FRUSTRATING. I feel like I have been fighting this cycle for a bit where I am finally getting it together to be at the gym for like 5 days a week consistently, including something really aerobic like running. And getting it together to be making healthy eating choices and eating healthy portion sizes, stopping when I am full, actually noticing when I am eating because I am hungry and when I am eating for my taste buds. Just all in all, making better choices for my body... and then I get sick. Like really sick. And I have to pick myself back up and start over again. I am tired of it. I want to just be humming along on my merry way and finding results and finding my life. I feel on the cusp of major break through... (finally) and then... knocked back down every time I get sick.

Race finished, thanks for running everyone!

I do assume that some of it is the cycle of toxins. When the body can't deal with all the toxins coming in, it stores up the ones that are just floating around in the bloodstream so that they can't get out and cause havoc. They are stored many places, but one major place that we store them are in fat. As I am (hopefully!) burning off more fat - the toxins are being released back out into the bloodstream which would lead to feeling sick, etc. I suppose that is possible that as I am dumping toxins out into the bloodstream that they are building up and I am getting sick. The question then is why am I not clearing them out of my system so that they are not causing a problem. Or are they just making me more susceptible to the flus and colds that are going around? Either way, hopefully the cycle will break soon so that I can go forward into health.

One small victory and redemption... I took my shorts from last summer out (since we are talking the last month crunch time to bathing suit in Jamaica now! Yikes!) and thought that I should try them on... And they were HUGE! Like way huge... like, I-gotta-go-buy-new-shorts-fo-sho huge. :) Happy.

Blissfulness for you this Oscar day :)

Sarah

Birthday

2011-02-11T14:17:00.000-08:00

Me with my post hot yoga glow on...

It's my birthday today, fully jumping into the 30s. I feel like this has the potential to be the best year of my life thus far. I am on track with my workouts, not doing terribly with my eating and just feel more balanced and engaged in the world lately. My hope for the coming year, continue meeting my goals, finish a half marathon, plan for a family, expand the breadth of my soul and have a rolicking good time while doing it.

Here's to another year of life's adventures!

Sarah

Re-Challenge

2011-02-04T09:33:00.000-08:00

Officially done now from the cleanse. I feel really good. I have noticed that my digestion is better, I have more energy, I feel lighter, my emotions and life seem to be in more balance. My busy world is no longer a place of stress, but a fun whirlwind of life experiences. It is amazing.

I wanted to comment a little on why I chose to take out specific foods and how you might think about adding them back in once you are done with the elimination portion. I think that I mentioned I was taking out the big major allergens which are: gluten (wheat and others), dairy, corn, soy, eggs, shellfish, and peanuts. I personally, from doing these in the past, know that I am not sensitive to any of these things. However, if you are using the cleanse to determine that you are sensitive, you are essentially doing an elimination/rechallenge diet. This diet is usually considered the gold standard to "test" if you are sensitive to a particular food. (The blood tests are controversial on their accuracy. Some doctors swear by them, others don't even bother using them...) Please note that a true food "allergy" is usually considered one where eating that food sends you to the hospital in anaphylaxis.

While doing the elimination portion of the diet (and you must make sure that you are eliminating even the hidden sources of the foods... corn is in everything...), you watch for anything that changes. Perhaps your digestion problem gets better, your skin might clear up, asthma could improve, energy, sleep, etc... Whatever it is you want to make note of it. It is important to know what changes so that you know what you are looking for when it comes time to challenge the foods.

After a period of ideally 3 weeks of eating with no allergens, you would choose one to test. Say you choose dairy. You would want to have the most pure form of it three times a day at breakfast, lunch and dinner for one day. So perhaps a glass of milk with all three meals. The rest of the diet stays the same. Then you take dairy back out again for the next two days and you pay attention. You are looking to see if you have a reaction in any way, if the things that had gotten better, come back again. The reason that you wait for the two days is that sometimes the reactions can be delayed and you want to make sure that you catch them. Of course, if you have a reaction after the serving at breakfast, you don't have to keep eating that thing, you can just take it out because you know that you are sensitive.

Gotta love your Veggie Tales!

If there is no reaction after the waiting period, it is usually safe to assume that you don't have a sensitivity to that food and that you can add it back to your diet. Then you pick the next food to challenge and add only that into the diet for three meals in one day, and then take it back out and wait again. This process goes on until you have challenged everything.

In general, it is better to start with the food that you are the most suspicious about first because after you have added 3 or 4 things back into the diet because you didn't react, it can start to get trickier to discern if you are having a reaction sometimes because your base diet is just not as clean of a palette anymore.

I did not do this. :) If there is one example from me not to necessarily follow, it is how I come off of cleanses. I definitely don't go out and eat a ton of crappy food my first meal off, but to put it in perspective I had a little cheese, some bread, steamed mussels, red wine... all in the first meal back in reality. Not a good example of rechallenge. :)

Hopefully this small amount of blogging has given some insight into how to put together the skeleton of a cleanse. I think that we often think it means being on the Master Cleanse lemonade diet, or a juice fast, the extremes of cleansing. Obviously, it doesn't. Eating a really clean diet combined with appropriate supplements can be a great way to give the body a little rest, help to allow for the detoxification pathways to run a little more efficiently and still allow for us to operate with enough energy and vibrance in the world. If you have questions or comments I would love to hear from you!

I think that the biggest challenge actually starts at the end of the cleanse: how can you use the information you learn about your body during the cleanse and the healthy habits established to keep up a healthy lifestyle and life balance now that the "rules" of the cleanse itself are over?

namaste

Sarah

Day Fifteen - confessions...

2011-01-24T22:12:00.000-08:00

So... I was sick.... really sick, aches, chills, fever - you get the idea. I needed some comfort food. Went for some Mexican and.... I had corn. Boo. Just 3 corn tortillas one night and 5 the next night. Also, the lady accidentally shook parmesan cheese over the lettuce that was on top of what I was eating. I brushed it off, but I am sure that I ate some. Sorry guys.

Okay, back on the straight and narrow today though - the final week. I will admit that I am ready to get back to eating normal food... I feel good, but this time around, I am ready. I think that I am so stressed and busy this quarter that it is difficult for me to make as much fresh and yummy food as in the past when I have done cleanses. It would be much nicer to be attending to myself and the cleanse a little more.

I have been reading a lot about compassion lately and I just wanted to share a quick paragraph from an amazing book titled: "Field Notes on the Compassionate Life: A Search for the Soul of Kindness" by Marc Ian Barasch. This story made me cry....

A famous chimp named Washoe, the first to use American Sign Language, once leaped over a fence to pull a newly arrived chimp from the water, risking her life for an individual she'd known only a few hours. And chimps fear and despise water. Here, surely, are clues to the roots of compassion, if not - who knows? - its o'er-spreading branches, and the clear blue sky. Researcher Roger Fouts describes how Washoe, who had lost both her offspring as infants, reacted when a keeper told her that her own newborn had just died. Looking deep into the grieving woman's eyes, Washoe signed, "Cry," tracing on her own cheek the path a tear would take down a human's (chimps don't shed tears). Then Washoe signed, "Please Person Hug."

~Sarah~

Day Eleven - Sick...

2011-01-20T19:40:00.000-08:00

Ugh. I am sick. So, the last time that I started running on my race training schedule (which is 4 days a week) I got sick. And now it seems the same has happened again. Additionally, I am on this cleanse and I am sure that it isn't helping since I am pushing out all the yuckies that have been stored in my body for who knows how long. Exercise certainly helps to facilitate that process as well.

Well... I'm not really sick. I am having a healing crisis.

Dr Henry Lindlahr, MD, is considered one of the pioneers of Nature Cure and of Naturopathic Medicine. In his book titled Nature Cure, he discusses the concept of the healing crisis saying:

Dr. Henry Lindlahr

"If acute reactions take place in the system because conditions have become more normal, because the healing forces have gained the ascendancy and force the acute inflammatory processes, we call them healing crises. Healing crises are simply different forms of elimination by means of which Nature endeavors to remove the latent, chronic disease en-cumberace from the system."

In other words, I have managed to dump a lot of toxic stuff into my system that was previously stored and now my body is dealing with it. In the mean time, I feel bad while it is happening. This is generally what is happening during a common cold. A fever is another great example of healing crisis. The fever is the correct and healthy response for your body to have when it is inundated with bugs. It is trying to make the internal temperature so high that the little buggers can't survive. The body is smart, it will never create a fever that it can't handle since we have a "set point" in our system that is the top of the thermostat, so to speak. (Of course, if the fever is being induced from something outside of us, such as a hot tub or extreme weather, there is no upper limit and the body can only do so many things to try to cool us off before it starts to shut down.) In the meantime, the conscious person is feeling really bad since they are running a fever of 103. But this is the healing crisis. This is the vital and strong body's reaction to the "morbific matter" that has gotten into the internal landscape. When we take Tylenol to suppress the fever, we are actually allowing the bacteria to live longer, the feeling of illness to continue for more time, and the body is being told not to help itself out. We are stopping our own healing.

So, to that end, I feel that I am definitely in a healing crisis. Mine is slightly tricky since I have to also balance my body's response to the toxins and whatever else and yet keep track of the disease process of my asthmatic lungs that likes to kick up. The hyper-reactivity of my bronchi to stimuli on a broad scale is not a normal and healthy response and this is a good example of a disease crisis. This is a place where there could be some support and some work done to help decrease the degeneration and increase the regrowth of healthy tissue and encouragement of healthy response. At the moment, I am having to take suppressive steroid inhalers, which is not my first line choice of what to be doing. However, the decision to go on them comes after a long road of dealing with not breathing well, and the desire to take some time to start running so as to strengthen the musculature around the lungs to support better breathing function (all of which would not be possible without the inhalers). So, for the moment, medication is means to an end that hopefully includes deep, peaceful breaths on my own in the future.

Kale being prepped for chips

Also, I have to admit that I have a strong craving for "real" food. :) Perhaps it is just feeling under the weather at the moment or perhaps because I haven't had the time to cook at all lately, but whatever the reason, a steak and a big ol' cheesy baked potato sounds amazing right now!

Have a grace-full day,
Sarah

Gratitude - Day 6

2011-01-15T08:37:00.000-08:00

Quick cleanse update: Day 2 on the herbal supplements, and I feel amazing! Over the day 4 hump and on to feeling more energy, more light, more awake... it is wonderful. Trying to keep on track with exercise now, and I have been running consistently since I started this process. Going today to the gym to train with a friend (sure she is gonna kick my butt!) and hopefully come out with a routine to do 5 days a week. Would like to get yoga back into my life, but scheduling is difficult.

For the past couple of days, I have been reading a lot about gratitude. There is a French proverb that says "gratitude is the heart's memory" and a favorite line of mine from Jack Johnson that says "you don't always have to hold your head higher than your heart." One way that we take the time to cultivate the memory of the head is to reminisce about our past, times that we loved in life, times of heartbreak or strife that made us stronger people... As life affirming as this can be at times, it is still in the realm of the mind. We are able to analyze and dissect what we did right in that moment, or what we could have done differently. Judgement. What happens when we decide instead to cultivate the memory of the heart?
Gratitude allows us the space to open up to the wealth in our day to day lives. We live in a culture that is always focused on getting more, the next new thing, bigger, better, faster, more high tech. The media is good at sending messages that constantly reiterate that we are not good enough because we don't have the right car, use the right make-up, eat the right foods... It is easy in life to feel a lack. But, if we take the time to really look at the life that we are walking through, there are easily thousands of things to be grateful for. The smile of a stranger, the laughter of a child, your parents/siblings/partner/children/pets, the bloom of a flower creating a spot of color unexpectedly in winter, the warm meal in front of you, coffee... The list could go on and on.

There is actually research out now about the effect of keeping a gratitude journal on mental health. The study participants were shown to have overall improved outlook on the quality and happiness of their lives when asked to keep a gratitude journal daily. The idea is simple, right before you go to bed, write down 5 things that you are grateful for from your day. That's it. I didn't realize that I had been doing this for years. As a teenager and into my early 20s, I used to carry my journal around with me everywhere. In it, I had an ongoing "list of happy" as I called it, where I hauled it out and wrote down everything in life that made me smile as I came upon it. Later, after writing these lists throughout several journals, I compiled it into a long list that had over 600 entries!

It is such a simple thing that each of us can do to help detox our hearts, and our minds, of the feeling of lack and fill ourselves back up with a feeling of joy and abundance. You will be amazed at how quickly your list will begin to grow with all of the amazing treasures in your life.

Namaste,

Sarah

Motivation Waning (Day 4)

2011-01-13T15:00:00.000-08:00

About this time on a cleanse I find that I am either really charged up about it, or... not. This time around, I am not so excited, but thankfully, still determined. In order to help make this do-able for myself, I prepped a few foods yesterday to have on hand in the fridge, and hope to get a few more done today.

Yesterday I made:
Quinoa and Black Bean salad (from the Whole Life Nutrition)
Split pea soup (from Cafe Flora's cookbook)

And today I hope to get done:
Kale chips
Apple and Cranberry Muffins (also from the Whole Life Nutrition Cookbook)
And... maybe bake some gluten free bread over the weekend.

I will say that 90% of being successful on a cleanse is knowing in advance what your rules are, and planning and prepping ahead so that you are set up for success.

A word on kale chips:

Mmm... kale... I mean...brains....

If you haven't discovered these, please do... immediately! They are AMAZING. You simply pre-heat the oven to like 425. Rip the kale leaves off the stems and then rip them into smallish pieces. Toss them with a little olive oil, make sure they are coated. Then spread them out on a baking sheet, the more they are in a single layer, the better. The put a lot of salt on them... a lot of salt. The more salt that you put on, the crisper they will get, but... of course the saltier they will be so play with it.
Then, put them in the oven for ... 5 or 10 minutes. They kale should shrink and get crispy, but you don't want it to burn. You just have to sort of watch it and check it out... That's it! They are SOOOO yummy and healthy!

So, tomorrow begins the phase of the cleanse where I am adding my Herbalist kit in. It consists of "Intestinal Rescue" which is a high fiber capsule, "LBT Caps" which is bowel eliminator, three tinctures: "Renew-U" which is for liver function, "Blubberwack" which is for metabolic balancing and energy, and "New Brain Choice" which is for brain function, and finally the "Renew-U Tea" which is an immune and cleansing support tea. The whole program is 10 days long and will be the "detox" phase of the cleanse.

In addition to that, I am will bump up the MediClear protein shake supplement to twice a day instead of just once.

That is all for today. My headache is finally gone after two days and, while I am tired and hungry, I am still going strong. Already I feel lighter, like my body isn't working as hard to digest foods so it can work on other things instead.

More tomorrow on the mind-body-spirit piece.

Namaste

Sarah

Headaches...

2011-01-11T22:37:00.000-08:00

Definitely the theme of day two has been headaches. This is not uncommon for me as I have a fairly intense caffeine habit and it seems that every time that I stop, it is the second day that the headache kicks in. Other than that, not a lot else is happening today. I don't feel as hungry as I did yesterday.. It is amazing how quickly the body adapts to circumstances.

I had the most amazing dinner tonight courtesy of Vegan Pizza Pi... gluten, dairy, egg, corn free pizza! Yum! It had a spinach and artichoke spread, fresh spinach, broccoli, and basil on it and soy cheese. Super yum!! It was a nice treat on a snowy night.

One thing today that I have really been trying to be conscious of is portion sizes. I have been trying to eat until I am just barely full and for me, that means slowing down and really paying attention to how my body feels after each bite. I feel that, I am so in love with food - the consistency, the way the flavors dance with each other in a dish, the color, the aroma - that my mouth and senses often run over my biochemistry. My body could be telling me to stop eating, but the want for the experience compels me to eat more. What can I find that will take the place of that exhilaration so that I can still feel the vitality of life and enjoy the pleasures, without stuffing my face...

For now, bed as I say good night to snowy Seattle. (Hope that means so school tomorrow!)

Cheers
Sarah

Day Two - Quick update..

2011-01-11T08:31:00.000-08:00

Short post for the moment as I am off to meet a friend for tea and chat. Yesterday was okay, some stomach cramping in the evening I think from not eating often enough during the day. Ah well, it was cured with a little run, and Jillian Michaels 30-Day Shred DVD. (Where she routinely kicks my butt!) It feels amazing knowing that one day is down.

Day two is always the worst for me. I can feel my caffeine depletion headache coming on already...

I have to run to get ready, but will update more fully later this afternoon!

Be amazing!
Sarah

ps - It's 1.11.11 today!

Kick Off

2011-01-10T07:00:00.000-08:00

Cleanse: Day One

The set up: I am eliminating most of the major allergens (gluten, dairy, corn, peanuts, shellfish) though I am choosing to leave soy in, at least for the beginning. For me, I have to make this do-able and my schedule with school this quarter is a little crazy. Tofu might be a life saver for cooking. So, I'm leaving it in for the first few days... will probably pull it during the middle "detox" week. No red meat and probably limited chicken, fish, lamb as well. No meat at all during the more intense part of it. I am also leaving out sugar (as in the added and processed kind, I still get maple syrup, stevia, agave, date sugar...), alcohol and caffeine.
The middle 10 days, I am doing a kit from The Herbalist called The Fresh Start Kit. It is a mix of high fiber intestinal cleanse, herbal extracts, and detoxing tea. This is going to be more of the detox phase and then I will go back to the current regimen to come out of the three weeks.
Additionally, I am drinking a protein and multivitamin supplement by Thorne called Mediclear Plus to insure that I am getting all that I need during the three weeks of strict eating.

Exercise: I am on a running schedule to run my first 5k which is exciting, that ramps up over the course of the next 5 weeks. Additionally, I am going to try to make the effort to get to more yoga classes during the week so that I can balance strengthening with some muscle building.

Mental/Emotional/Spiritual: Yoga fits here too as it drops me into that introspective space. I am going to try to get back to keeping a journal on a more regular basis (which I actually have to do for a class I am taking so my mind can't make any excuses this time!), nurturing my creative side once a day and also finding and doing something that gives me joy everyday, even something small. I also want to try to clear out some physical clutter over the next three weeks.

Additionally, I am going to be taking tips from Whole Living who's quick reminder emails to do something good in your life (and where there is also a 28 day detox going on with an email reminding you to do something daily) is an easy way to take a moment to drop into the contemplative space. They also have some great recipes for this cleanse.

So.. there are the basics. I will be blogging about my journey through for the next 3 weeks. My goals are to come out the other end feeling a little lighter, in body, mind and spirit, more balanced, more settled, and get a jumpstart on showing myself that healthy living is possible even in my busy schedule.

Breakfast today: decaf organic earl grey tea with maple syrup and coconut milk, mediclear shake with coconut milk... and probably some oatmeal when I get to school.
Lunch: I am on the run today so here is what I packed - an avocado, Mary's Gone Crackers herb flavor (if you don't know what these are Google them immediately!), some hummus, vegan gourmet mozzarella "cheese" slices, applesauce, and two satsuma oranges.
Dinner: I am thinking some rice pasta with tomato sauce and more of the mozzarella "cheese" grated over top.

So, cheer me on, my journey is starting! (Hey, if the Seahawks can beat the Saints then anything is possible right?)

Namaste,

Sarah

New Beginnings...

2011-01-03T17:44:00.000-08:00

Happy new year!!

It is time to work on my annual cleanse and renewal. Unfortunately, I did not set myself up to start today as I had wanted, mostly because I was sick and super busy right up to today. Boo. So, rather than set myself up for failure, I am going to make the goal of starting next Monday. That will give me a week to prep and also to adjust to my new quarter schedule.

What are your new year's resolutions? I feel as though, as much as I had the amazing highlight of getting married in 2010!, the past year has mostly felt like prep work for me. I spent the time observing myself, my habits, my quirks, but didn't really do anything about most of them. Just tried to understand them better, know myself better. I am not sure that I am really any closer... maybe a few steps.

However, I am hoping that 2011 will be the year of phenomenal change. Even if it is on a subtle level, I am hoping to bring a real sense of balance into my life... and awareness. I think that if I can do that, other things will shift naturally and it won't feel like so much work. Also, hopefully, there will be more results.

So, cleanse... I am going to do a three week cleanse, probably of a similar fashion as last year, only I am going to add some herbs to the middle 7 days or so. I am using Thorne's Mediclear Plus, which is an amazing protein supplement, eliminating all major allergens (wheat, soy, corn, dairy, peanuts, shellfish) as well as caffeine, sugar, and alcohol, I am also going to try to include a cleanse of my life - more space for myself and activities that are beneficial, less filler, less screen time, more sleep, less stuff, more breathing. I find that I am my best person when I have less in my life. I am a social butterfly so it makes it difficult to obtain space in my schedule. I have to admit that as soon as I have space and time, I manage to fill it right back up with something. Why? What is it that I am trying to avoid?

Also, I have just finished the book "Nourishing Wisdom" by Marc David. It is a wonderful book about looking at all the ways that we look at food psychologically and trying to bring them together in a way that is not about what the right diet is, and is more about how do you have engaged eating habits so that you are able to make informed decisions about what you are eating and how. It was a great book with many reflection questions that I am going to try to spend some time with. I am hoping that this cleanse can help to jump start some healthy habits in my life that will stick.

I hope that you had a very happy and wonderful new year!

~Sarah~

Moving Through

2010-12-28T13:46:00.000-08:00

As 2010 is coming to a close, I have been spending some delicious days sitting at home with not much to do and a lot of time to reflect on the past year and on what is coming up ahead in 2011. The theme of my personal goals are still the same, changing of habits, attainment of balance and mindfulness throughout my actions. In some ways, I feel that I have made some progress in that arena. In other ways, I notice that I have become more reactionary. Perhaps that is the give and take that has to happen before one settles into a balanced spin like a top. I am only 30, I suppose that I can't have it all figured out quite yet.

in 2011, I would like to build on what I have started, run a 5k, travel to Jamaica and be okay in a bathing suit, maybe start thinking seriously about a family, and just be a better person. One thing that I have realized, I used to be a great person to the world and those around me. As I am worse and worse to myself, I find that I have less and less to give to the world around me. I would like to be a better person to myself so that I have the resources to be a better person to my community. 4 years of wallowing in my own self loathing is enough. It is time to realize that I still have brilliant qualities, and that that is what makes me worthwhile, not how I look, or the things that are wrong with me. I realize that this is an easy talk to talk, but is much more difficult to put into action. I deserve my own respect and until I can give that to myself, how can I expect those around me to respect and honor my path?

Welcome 2011...

Sarah

Be Aware of Your Thoughts

2010-12-13T10:30:00.000-08:00

At yoga this morning, I heard a wonderful quote which went something like this:

Be aware of your thoughts, they become your actions. Be aware of your actions, they become your character. Be aware of your character, it becomes your destiny.

It is a great reminder that actions do not just spontaneously arise, although we often believe they do since we are so disconnected from our deeper running mind. They come from a place of thought which, conscious or not, is running full tilt inside of our heads. Look at your actions. Are they testy and full of spite, are they loving and soft, are they rigid and awkward? Whatever they are, the next time that you perform an action, take a moment to reflect back on the thought pattern that lead up to it, were you even aware that you were thinking that?

If the above quote is true, then we have the power at every second to change our character and ultimately, our destiny. To me, this is an empowering thing to remember. As someone who is very good at looking in the mirror and being disappointed with herself, it would be wonderful to remember that with the change of one thought, I am able to change my entire life. What if I was able to just hold love for myself in my heart, no matter the mistakes that I make, or the successes that I have...? How would that effect my character and thus my life destiny? Of course, the trick is that it sounds so easy and in reality the mind is about as easy to control as a herd of cats, each thought wanting to run out to a different place, each whisper wanting to defend its territory and not let go. As with anything that brings about a better harmony and balance to life, the shift is gradual. A loving reminder to yourself when things go awry that you can just come back to this moment as if it was the first and start again. No judgment, no berating for that does not uphold the tenant of loving one's self unconditionally. Just simply, start again from a new blank slate that is this moment of being, right now.

Be aware of your thoughts... refine your character.... create your destiny.

~Sarah~

Herbal Love

2010-12-10T16:17:00.000-08:00

I recently had to write a short essay on why I love botanical medicine and I thought that I would share it here as well... Hope that you enjoy!

Sarah
-------

Herbal medicine is a connection to a deeper part of myself: an ancient and primal wisdom embedded within me. As I sit in the herb lab on campus and smell the herbs around me, I am filled with an inner delight. There is so much potential in each piece of root, leaf, and flower in those jars. They are ready to whisper their ancient secrets to anyone who has the heart and courage to listen. I breathe deeply, breathe their knowledge into my veins. Which plants will be the ones who shine more brightly than the others today? Inevitably, they are always the best ones for the job.

After selecting the appropriate blend, and gathering supplies for the recipe, the process of turning simple plants into a transmission of healing begins. As I stir, melt, grind, press, bottle, and blend, I feel the cultivation of joy within my heart. Joy in honoring the traditions that have come before me to bring herbal medicine to the place that it is at now. Joy in knowing that this particular blend of herbs used in this way with my distinct intentionality behind it will only happen just one time in existence, as my intentions are constantly being infused with the wisdom of my elders. Joy knowing that I am fulfilling a place in my soul that has held this talent and passion for cultivating healing through plants for a very long time. Joy in the process.

Herbal medicine is the pulse of Naturopathy. It is the part of our medicine that connects us to the living, breathing realm of the earth, the plant kingdom. It is a featured player in our history; the Eclectics used hygenics, nature cure, and herbs as their primary modalities of healing. For me, working with herbs makes our medicine come alive. There are many paths to healing and to being healers. All are useful in their own right. Herbal medicine is able to treat the cause as well as address the symptoms. It is able to stimulate the vital force and, at the whim of the practitioner, become an individualized treatment. As it has been for many traditions, herbs are as versatile and sacred as the herbalist means for them to be.

Plant medicine is a means for me to become the healer I aspire to be, the one who is just discovering herself and the one who knows who she has been all along. As exciting as it is to be forging my own path forward, it is a profound honor to be so connected to the traditions of the past. As I wrap up an herbal medicine-making project, I am always deeply grateful for the opportunity to understand and work with the herbs at such a personal level. Plants for me come alive and sing; they keep my practice and outlook on health expanding constantly. As the herbalist James Green wrote: “Herbal medicine-making is much like dancing; it’s easy, it’s natural, and it’s undeniably delightful.”[i] As I dance, I am moving with the wisdom of the ancients, swirling with the plants, and drinking in their whispered secrets.

[i] James Green, The Herbal Medicine-Maker’s Handbook: A Home Manual, (Berkley, CA:Crossing Press, 2000), 9.

The Gift of Motivation

2010-12-02T10:05:00.000-08:00

The Holidays. What are they really about? It seems that every holiday season, I get so excited to be in the spirit of the holidays, spending time with friends and family, everyone in a good mood, singing carols and laughing.... But, inevitably, I always end up stressed out about giving gifts. Was it the right gift? Not sure what to get people? What if they don't like it? I can't afford to buy them what I really want to get them... And on. At what point does the switch happen? The holiday season isn't supposed to be about consumerism, but for many, that is the main focus. What if we took all that energy and devoted it towards being better human beings? How about that for a gift to the universe this year. :)

Okay, well if you are looking for that perfect holiday gift, Urban Craft Uprising is happening this weekend in Seattle, and you should go. There are a ton of amazing vendors who have unique and handmade items at all sorts of price ranges. You will be supporting the modern craft movement, and maybe finding the perfect thing for that person who has everything. It is at the Seattle Center and has free admission. I have been geeking out on all the amazing vendors who are going to be there. It is such a fun event. Seriously, go.

In the spirit of giving and of being a better person, I am giving myself a gift this year... the gift of motivation. I am going to sign up for two 5k races, one in February and one in March. This will give me a goal to head towards for my exercise routine and is very exciting as I have never been in a race before. I am not setting lofty goals, like being in the timed race group or anything. My only goal is just to finish and give it all that I have while I am there. Perhaps my time will get better from February to March, but I am not holding my breath. I am super excited to have something to work towards (as if being in a bikini in April in front of all my husband's closest friends wasn't enough motivation!) that will give my workouts at the gym some perspective.

Also, there is some talk of an internal "Biggest Loser" challenge which I will definitely partake in. I'll keep you posted...

I realize that I started this blog awhile back as a place to put myself out there so that I would have to be accountable. To that end, I feel that, though I am not really sure that anyone is reading, now that I am posting more frequently, I do notice that I am reflecting on my own posts more and it is making me a better person in the world. I suppose that if nothing else, I feel more accountable to myself. If I am going to talk the talk in cyberspace, I had better walk the walk right? Since I started this whole journey to betterment, which started mostly as a weight thing back before the blogging, I have lost a total of 16 pounds to date. That's not bad, but still about 30 more to go... yes, still. I have definitely started to see some changes in my body though. I have some shoulder and arm definition now! I never thought that I would see anything on my arms as they are clearly the weakest part of my body. I am so delighted to see that change and it motivates me to do more. For the moment, I think that the things that I need to try to really focus on are consistency and diet... mostly just portion control I think would do it. I am planning another cleanse in the new year, I think that I am going to try to make it an annual habit as I just feel so good afterwards.

Okay, rambling without much of a direction now. That's a sure sign to stop writing. :)

Sarah

Does it get better?

2010-11-28T15:34:00.000-08:00

I was recently having conversations with some of my friends who are in the GLBTQ community about the "It Gets Better" campaign. The question was brought up, does it get better? Or do people just get stronger? And if we are looking at the question, what is the "it" that we are talking about?

From Pixar's YouTube video

If the "it" under discussion is the world, I am not sure that it does get better in the course of a few years. There is no doubt that over a lifetime we have seen major strides in equality and rights in several arenas, but for one person from teen years to their 20's, is there really that much change? Maybe the answer is yes, I am just not sure. It seems that the situation can get better if one chooses to move out of the situation that they are in, but then that isn't really the world getting better per se, it is the world changing for that individual.

I do think that a person's understanding and belief in who they are changes, deepens hopefully. In theory, you are more comfortable in your skin, you don't really care as much about what other people say as you did in high school, and you realize that there is support out there from other individuals in your community. But, if my experience is testament to this issue at all, I actually feel more self conscious and unsupported than I did in high school. Perhaps I am the outlier. I have to admit that I can only come from speculation since I went to a small private school and was the girl that was okay with everyone, so I never experienced bullying the way that it is going down now.

It seems that the threats that are coming along with bullying are more severe now than they used to be. It used to be that the goal was humiliation, now there are death threats. The consequences for this haven't really seemed to be escalating along with the severity of the threat. In many school districts, the school board still can't do anything until one student lays a hand on another. At that point, might it be too late in some situations? Then we play the blame game about who was at fault and why wasn't intervention sooner, without dealing with the root of the issue in many cases.

In a recent yoga class, we were exploring the idea of abundance, of the world around you, but also of your own internal resources. During class, our wonderful teacher relayed a story about her son's friend, let's call her Jane. Jane was upset that she was not as good a climber as my teacher's son. To this, my teacher responded that maybe Jane could be happy for him since it was something that he was good at, and that also, she should realize all the amazing things that she excels at! Why is it so hard for us to root someone else on for their accomplishments? Or, perhaps in the case of bullying, why are we unable to take joy in each other's uniqueness? It seems that confronting bullying needs to start at home, with adults who demonstrate love and celebration for each other's oddities and shortcomings as well as the things that they excel at. If we as adults are unable to take each other's faults in stride, how can we expect our children to? This goes back to an earlier post about gratitude. If we have sincere gratitude for that which makes us different and unique in this world, we are able to take joy in those qualities in others. This is the foundation that will make it better in the future, for generations to come.

Namaste... the Divinity within me perceives and adores the Divinity within you...

Sarah

p.s. If you know people who need help dealing with bullying because of their sexual identity, please visit: The Trevor Project

Let the Holidays Begin!

2010-11-26T09:02:00.000-08:00

Ah... Black Friday. You know, I used to love going downtown with absolutely no intention of really buying anything, just to hang out with people and walk around with that first gingerbread latte in the crisp winter air. People were so pleasant and happy to be out in the holiday spirit... Now everyone's just angry. It's not so much fun anymore. I would much rather stay in, watch movies and crochet while turkey soup is simmering on the stove.

More than shopping, the day after Thanksgiving to me signifies the real start of the holiday season. None of this, day after Halloween crap. Up until now, no Christmas music, no eggnog or gingerbread lattes, no holiday shopping (okay, well just a little bit, but no like, big treks to the mall). Today, is officially the day that it can all begin. Hooray!

I hope that everyone had a happy Thanksgiving. I know that we had a wonderful meal: turkey, sausage & apple stuffing, candied yams, autumn harvest salad, mashed potatoes with leeks & gruyere, cranberries, and green bean casserole. Sweet potato pie for dessert. Yum. I felt that I did a pretty good job of not eating too much. I had a little of everything and then didn't have too much more. No hot buttered rums. (A reader pointed out to me the juxtaposition of saying that I was worried about eating so much cream and fattening stuff, immediately followed by a recipe for something made out of butter... yeah, well.) I felt full, but not overdone. It was nice.

Water crystal when exposed to the
words "love & gratitude"

Gratitude, it is wonderful that we have a full day in this country dedicated to it, though I am not convinced that is what is on everyone's mind the day of Thanksgiving. I believe that gratitude could change the world. When people are grateful for the simplest things in their life, the lens with which they view the world shifts. They realize that every moment, every encounter, every breath is a blessing. From this place of engaging the world with deep appreciation for everything that is in it, we begin to treat it with more respect, more kindness, more love. When we begin to treat each other with more love, there is a ripple effect and love becomes the transformative change that it was meant to be.
In order to cultivate more gratitude throughout the year, try thinking of 5 things that you are grateful for in your life right when you wake up, and right before you go to bed. If it helps you, you could start a journal to jot them down in so that you have something to go back and look at. Try it and see if you don't start looking at the world just a little differently.

I am grateful for you. Thank you for letting me have a voice.

Sarah

I Am Not a Snow Bunny!

2010-11-23T15:56:00.000-08:00

Day two of Seattle's first winter "storm." I took advantage of the day to make some sweet potato pies and cranberry sauce for Thanksgiving, the house smells like cinnamon. On my way to the store, I realized that it just isn't fair that some women, tiny, elven women, with their super fast metabolisms that allow them to be both small and warm at the same time, are able to "bundle" up for the snow in leggings, Uggs, and some sort of super cute North Face parka with a fur lined hood and still look amazing!

Here is what I look like in the snow:

Super hot right? ;) Ah.. somewhere under all the layers, the scarves, the hat, the mittens... somewhere inside of me there is an inner snow bunny that wants to run around in minimal winter-esque clothing in the snow. It's never going to happen, but she is still in there.

Starting to ponder tactics for the holiday to try to keep myself present and motivated about being healthy. The easiest time that I have ever had during the holidays was when I was vegan. I think that it was because I had such a strong belief system in place about what it was okay for me to eat, and I really stuck to it. This meant that I was eating almost no treats around the holidays, because everything is made with butter or cream.. or both. I am hoping to sit down with myself and plan out a serious but reasonable list of rules that I can tap into this holiday season. Again, it is about being present to the moment and making choices that are informed about everything that we do in our lives. It is so easy to forget what we are doing at each moment. If you are able to create a life where moment to moment you are re-creating yourself, you are able to tap into that full potential all the time. And if you fail, who cares, there is another chance just a breath away for you to start right over again and make a different choice. Why is this so difficult to realize when I am chugging through life? I am trying to find something that will become a constant reminder... If anyone can think of something, let me know...

I am off to make hot buttered rum mix, my favorite drink for the winter season. The recipe that follows is from Emeril Lagasse courtesy of the Food Network:

1 stick unsalted butter, softened
2 cups light brown sugar
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1/2 tsp grated nutmeg
Pinch ground cloves
Pinch salt
Dark rum (My FAVORITE to use is Sailor Jerry Spiced Rum)
Boiling water

Directions:
In a bowl, cream together the butter, sugar, cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves, and salt.
Refrigerate until almost firm.
Spoon about 2 Tbs of the butter mixture into a small mug. (You can adjust to taste once you have added the water.)
Pour about 3 oz of rum into mug (filling about halfway).
Top with boiling water to fill the mug. Stir well and serve immediately.

Enjoy!!

~Sarah~

Snow!

2010-11-22T10:11:00.000-08:00

As I write this, snow is falling here in Seattle. Yes. Before Thanksgiving. The city is slowly going into lock down mode and I have already heard one story of a bus being pulled up a hill by a semi. It is not even 10am. I am a true Seattelite because I don't.drive.in.the.snow (and for those of you who do, trust me, it's better that way) but, unless school decides to close, I am going to have to venture out in a little bit. For now, I am free to sit with my cup of organic Love Buzz coffee and contemplate the soft quietness that the snow automatically brings with it.

Yesterday, everything about me felt wrong. Like when you are trying to put on wet clothes, and they just don't hang right on you no matter what... always a little bit off. How do you reconcile the feeling that nothing about you is the right thing while trying to practice complete and total acceptance of yourself and others. The world at large and those in our own private worlds put pressures and expectations on us that mold and shape our sense of ourselves. If only you could look like this supermodel, or be smarter, make more money, do things differently, then there would be acceptance of you. What if you were okay exactly the way that you are right at this very moment? What then? What would you choose to do or not do that you hold yourself back from currently? This is not to say that there shouldn't be self-reflection and a furthering of one's potential, but there is something different in saying that you should find the fullness of your own potentiality versus who you are isn't enough. They are not the same message.

At a recent viewing of "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" with a group of students, mostly from our health psychology department, the concept that your perception of who you are and how you feel about people or events, is largely from your memories. Your memories are yours to alter as you like, to highlight certain parts so that they have a particular feel or to forget as if that part of your life never occurred. If this is true, and there are countless research studies to support that it is, what if you "forgot" everything negative about yourself? What if you chose only to remember things that were a positive influence on your life? How would that change your interactions with the world, with those in your community, and with yourself? Would you treat yourself differently? For me, if I could just remember every morning that I am perfectly fine just the way that I am, striving towards my highest potential and aspirations, I would have more energy to be a bringer of light to myself and those around me.

Imagine how wonderful that would be.

Sarah

Rumbling....

2010-11-08T08:14:00.000-08:00

New post coming soon.... Until then:

.... Sarah....

Life Make Over - Day Three

2010-07-30T11:08:00.000-07:00

Hello,

Back to blogging, hopefully more consistently. I have decided now during the summer to reinvent myself. I signed a contract with myself to eat healthier, live better, be more active and hopefully be more fully myself for the next 4 weeks. The plan includes some of these features:

- No white flour anything, no alcohol, no soda, no fried foods, no high fat dairy
- Yes to lots of vegetables, fruits, low fat protein, minimal carbs, and healthy choices
- 3 meals and one to two snacks a day. Eating cut off of two hours prior to bedtime.
- Portion control, wait at least 15 minutes before taking seconds or having dessert, eating off of smaller plates
- Eat when actually hungry. Check in about why I am eating at that moment and make sure that it is because I need food and not for some other reason.
- Slow down, enjoy eat bite of food and pay attention to how it is making me feel.
- Exercise 5 days a week, a combination of cardio, circuit training, and yoga. One day off, another day of activity with people: hiking, biking, going for a swim, something fun.
- Clear the clutter out of the house and clean. Less stuff = more happiness, more space, more room to stretch
- Understand the reasons for doing all of this. Because I deserve it and I am worthy of some self attention!

Though I have signed myself on for this for only 4 weeks, I am hoping that there will be some permanent life changes happening from it. I don't want to be on a diet, I want a lifestyle transformation! Something that is sustainable and will keep me set on being the best person that I can be right now.

Yesterday, ate three really good meals (whole grain cereal with banana, grilled rockfish and orange honeydew for lunch, and lamb steaks, salad and kale chips for dinner), did Jillian Michael's day one circuit training from her 30 day shred book (yikes!) and was really conscious about only eating when I was hungry and stopping before I felt too full. Oh, and successfully went to a bar and only had water.

Today, already had some breakfast, now looking for a snack (I think I'll have a peach). Going to do the day two circuit in lieu of normal Friday yoga because of scheduling but I think that it will be just as good a work out. :)

I am excited about pushing forward into new life and I feel that the things that I am asking of myself are not like a detox or an elimination diet where it isn't something that one could sustain for life. This time it is about retraining myself to make healthier choices and re-introduce myself to my own bodies cues and messages. The focus is on health and livelihood... with the hope of some positive changes (such as dropping some weight and toning up) as a kick back from the process. I know that my body doesn't like being the way that it is; I don't feel comfortable in my own skin any more. This time I feel like I am starting a path that is focused on the underlying issues that support un-healthy choices instead of focusing on the outcome only at any cost. I can't wait to see what the results will be like!

~Sarah

Here's to the New Year!!

2010-01-01T23:11:00.000-08:00

Happy 2010 everyone! This is the time for resolutions to do things, stop doing things, and try to realize the dreams that you have tucked away in the dusty attic of life. For me, I don't have a solid new resolution to make because I feel that I have been trying to work on things for some time now. I suppose, if I had to say something, I feel that now is the time to put my health as a priority and to keep it there. This winter break from school has been a rough one. Yes, I have been working out a lot more than I did when I was in classes all day, but there was a passing in our family of a member close to us and that definitely put a unforseen setback in my fitness progress. While the event was in some ways sudden and unexpected, my fiancee made a very astute observation in the passing of the torch to me to become the caregiver. As my mom and aunts sat in the living room talking to family on Christmas, it was I who did all the cooking and the serving with the help of my lovely Kristopher. The caregiver role is becoming mine and I am not sure how I feel about it. On one hand, I already feel like I put everyone and everything in front of myself and my needs. Just look at the resolution that I think I need to make, who in their right mind doesn't normally put their health needs first? The caregiver role of my parents and my broader family could be viewed as another roadblock in my path to myself. On the other hand, I feel that I am stepping into the young shoes that become those of the matriarch. Someday (hopefully in the near future) I am going to be stepping into the mother role. This feels like the first pair of shoes to try on before that pair comes my way. It is exciting and intimidating. This is the moment that I get to continue on as the lineage holder for the line of women in my family. I even have a recipe that was entered into my aunt's collection as "Sarah's Zucchini Orzo." For me, the food association makes it official.

So, back to my current struggle. I still have only lost 5 pounds from my last weigh in, although I have lost inches so that is good. I felt that I was pretty good over the holidays, trying to watch portion sizes and eating more protein and veggies than other things (although I will admit that the table of Christmas goodies that was out all day got me here and there!). I am about to embark on my three week detox regimen. I am so excited and ready and nervous that I won't be able to hold true to the course... I have a lot of space in my school schedule for exercise this quarter which is also really exciting. And two wonderful friends who are egging me on and joining me on the quest for better health and fitness (one of them is also getting married this year). At the moment, I have to say that I feel like I can conquer it. I am realizing that my dream of loosing 40 pounds by the wedding might not be coming true, which makes me really sad. But, if I can get to a point where I look better and feel good... and the pictures of me aren't terrible anymore... then I think that I can be at peace with that.

I do feel that there is a core issue that is underlying everything that just hasn't reared it's ugly head yet. If I get my lungs going so that I am breathing really hard after a cardio work-out and then I stop, I end up crying... every time. What is that about? Where is that deep raw sorrow coming from? I have a feeling that is some of the deeper soul work that has to happen before I can break out to the other side of this depressive mood that is seeping into all aspects of my life. The detox that I am going on is not going to be only one of my body and food, but also one of my habits and spirit. It is not going to be something I can just do passively, but something I am going to have to actively engage for the entire three weeks. That aspect alone might almost be more important than the food and biochemical reactions. That is was is going to bring me out of the fog and back towards the sparkling sunshine where hopefully the person that I was can embody the potential of where I am now. I can't wait to meet her...

Namaste and love for the new year,

Sarah

New Goals Set

2009-12-01T14:59:00.001-08:00

Isn't it amazing what time crunch, a public appearance in a dress, and a bikini on the horizon can do for your motivation? I now have exactly two months to try to lose as much as possible and tone up too before the dress arrives. Talk about revving it all up! After I am fitted for alterations, I really can't lose that much more or the dress won't fit! Why do alterations have to take so long? I want to be in the best shape possible for my wedding, but a dress that fits like a sack isn't going to look any better than one that barely fits. Sigh.

With my new found motivation, came new goals... Now, I am focusing more on the every day. New goal is not to lose a certain amount or even look off to January when I have to fit into a dress. New goal is to find an hour... just one hour... 5 days a week to work out in some form or another. Two days down this week, two hours found. Finals are next week, there will be lots of hours found during that week since I don't have classes, and then over break my work out partner and I have already made the pledge to go every weekday to the gym. Hooray. I am also making plans for a hardcore detox and cleanse starting the first of the year, so hopefully this last push will be a good one.

The other big motivator is the pending honeymoon bikini that I am going to have to put on. I don't want to not enjoy my honeymoon because I am too embarrassed to put on a bathing suit. I want to be the hottest mama on the beach! And I think... no, I know that I can do it! I made myself a bracelet to remind me of my pledge to myself and I think that it is helping. It seems to be a constant reminder of what it is that I am trying to accomplish.

On the mental level, I am having an epiphany in the works. Two days ago I started wondering what would change if I stopped being preoccupied with caring about what the world thought of me. I wondered if it would give me more motivation or less. I think that it has started to give me more motivation because I am no longer on the downward spiral of thought that leads me to doing nothing. If I didn't care about what the world thought, then I would be working out and making myself stronger and my lungs better for my own health. When I am healthier, I become more open, more radiant and more myself.

Looking back, I think that this is one of the key differences between myself now and myself when I was a teenager, when I was wiser and more in tune with the world. I think that now I am so preoccupied with who it is that the world perceives that I just close down more and more out of worry. As a happy 17 year old, I didn't care what the world thought because I did what made me happy, wore the clothes that I thought that I looked great in, hung out with people who made me happy and who lifted me up. It was wonderful. Now the world is so full of judgement and negativity that it takes a special kind of courage and tenacity to be yourself fully and yet be strong enough to not let things get to you. It is a difficult lesson to try to re-learn, but I think that this week I have started slowly on the path... just a few steps in so far.

Namaste

Sarah

New Moon Madness!

2009-11-18T14:50:00.000-08:00

Just a quick post to share how excited I am about New Moon. I won tickets to go to the premiere here in Seattle tonight and I cannot wait!! (The movie officially opens on Friday) If you haven't read the Twilight series yet, you should. They are very fast reads and very entertaining. (Better than the movies for sure....)

Anyway, just a couple promo shots and I am off.

Sarah

Return to the Blog

2009-11-12T09:25:00.000-08:00

First off, I have to apologize for my recent hiatus from this blog. There were several reasons that caused this. The first and foremost is school. It takes up a lot of time and really drains the energy out of me. The second is that I don't always have internet at home, so I can't just hop on at any free moment to write when I want to. Third, I am not really sure that anyone was reading.... Part of the reason that I wanted to start this was so that I felt like I had a community that was perhaps bigger than my physical community here in Seattle. I was really gung-ho about this to start with, but the longer that I wrote... I think I actually felt lonelier since I was putting myself out there and no one was listening.

So.. why am I coming back then? The truth of the things is I realize now how cathartic it is for me to have an outlet somewhere and this seems to be as good a place as any, even if no one is reading. If I just shift my focus of the purpose of this blog, I think that I will have more fulfilling results with it for myself.

Well, in case anyone is listening, here is the update. I stopped weighing myself at the

recommendation of a friend who used to be a trainer. Instead, I have been trying to work with measurements. Since March (which was the first time I took my measurements) I have lost about one inch off of each thigh, an inch off of my hips and TWO inches off of my waist. Hooray! And remember what I said about having a school schedule making my workout more on track? It is really hard to work out and be in school 20 credits a quarter, plus a TA position and working in the school bookstore. Yikes. My workout buddy and I are still going to the gym and doing our hard core cardio workout once a week (not twice like before) and we have been going to yoga once a week, which always kicks my ass. Additionally, I usually get to the gym on Monday's... well, unless my fiancee has a soccer game that we have to leave early for. So on average I have been working out three times a week. Ugh. It needs to be five times a week, but I just can't get myself to do it.

This brings me to the current theme of my life at the moment. I am falling apart. I don't know what is wrong with me. I just feel like I can't get any part of my life together. My lungs are better than they were, but now I have chronic sinus stuff going on forcing me to breathe out of my mouth most of the day because the tissue is so swollen. I know what I should be doing to get more exercise and for my diet, but I just don't do it. I am not really studying the amount that I could be. Sure, I am doing fine in all my classes, but not as well as I could be doing...

I feel like I am just floating through my life without being engaged in it at all.

In the philosophy class that I am TAing for right now, we are talking about spirituality in health. There is a slide in the powerpoint that talks about spiritual distress explaining symptoms just like the ones I am describing. Is it possible to have spiritual distress if you never had a concrete idea of what your spirituality was to begin with? I feel like I am on a edge of a cliff but every time I am about to jump into the unknown to find some answers, my feet are stuck to the ground. What do I have to let go of to make that leap?

I am tired of walking through life like a zombie. What happened to the engaged and lively girl that I used to be?

Namaste

Sarah

Guest list hell and goal setting

2009-09-16T10:26:00.000-07:00

Sooo.... waddaya think of the new layout? I felt like I needed something brighter in color scheme as we move into the end of the summer here in Seattle. I like it... especially the butterflies up top, credits to the artist "Royce" who created the image and it was used on a jigsaw puzzle.

I have to have a momentary public gripe. So far my least favorite part of the wedding planning is the guest list. Maybe it is just because we can't afford to invite the world to our wedding (although I am not sure that I would want the world to be there) but it is so stressful to determine who to invite and who not to. If I had my way, I would find a way for everyone in my life to come to the wedding... but unfortunately, that isn't possible. So instead, we are doing this delicate dance around stepping on people's toes and hoping that we are handing out more excitement than disappointment. In any case, I don't like doing it. It reminds me a little bit of grade school when the team captains picked people from the line up to be on their team and the longer that you stayed there, the worse a player you must be. I was not a very athletic kid so I was often at the end of that list and the feeling is awful. I am finding out now that I don't really like being the team captain either.

This was supposed to be the start of my serious, get it together with the diet week. So far I have done okay with the eating part, I was at the gym yesterday doing my 90 minutes of cardio, and I only had three drinks out last night. Oooo.... not so good that last bit. When I was getting into the best shape of my life in the past (4 years ago now) I was on a vegan diet and taking a 9 month hiatus from drinking any alcohol. I was also going to the gym 5 days a week doing mostly cardio for an hour at a go. I felt great. I would like to get back to that routine, except with some lean protein added into the vegan diet. (It is just not a diet that my body does great on.) For some reason, it is really difficult for me to go back to that. You would think that it would be easier since I have already done it in the past and I know that I can do it. Again, I think that being in school is going to help me with everything since I don't drink as much in general when I am in school. This summer has definitely been a time to just kick back and relax a little so I don't want to be too hard on myself. Crunch time is upon us though and I feel a serious need to find the equation that works as my dress deadline of January is looming ever closer.

By the way, I am splurging and buying myself "Mastering the Art of French Cooking" by Julia Child. For those of you who have not had the pleasure of going to see the film "Julia and Julie" you should go, it is a delightful, charming little movie that makes me feel like a failure to my blog and is inspiring me to want to cook. I made a roast chicken that was an adaptation of Julia Child's recipe and it turned out fabulously. Yum.

Wedding dress goal: 4 months, 40 pounds.... that's 10 pounds a month. It seems lofty, but I don't really know what the normal rate of losing weight is. (On the Biggest Loser they can lose 10 pounds in one week (!) but I don't think that is normal....)

Here I go, the big push!

Sarah

The Dress!!

2009-09-11T09:47:00.001-07:00

I found my dress!! After days of looking and looking and trying on dress after dress... I finally found it! It was a grueling but fun process to look and I learned that a corset really does make anyone look amazing and tiny! (Thank goodness!!) I found many beautiful dresses along the way, but was just still not really having that a-ha moment that everyone says that you have. Every dress that I tried on was nice, but not quite right somehow. Then, yesterday, I walked out of the dressing room in one dress and as soon as I said the words "I think I love it" I started crying. It was awesome. So, ladies, that moment is absolutely real so don't settle for anything less!! Even if you have to try on hundreds of dresses (which I definitely did)... you will find it. I would post pictures or tell you all about it (the picture is just some random dress and not MY dress) but my fiancee checks this blog so I can't. Needless to say, it is the perfect dress for me and I cannot wait to walk down the aisle in it. :)

However, the dress being ordered means that I must must MUST kick up my work out routine. I will get it in January and I was in between sizes so we ordered down because the size up was way big.... This means that I really need to loose some inches in my waist especially before January or my dress won't fit well. ACK! So from this dress buying experience I have learned that one size difference is 20 pounds. I would like to loose 2 sizes. I like that wording. Somehow it makes the whole thing more tangible and less ominous for me. I feel like I can obtain that.

School is starting back up in a couple of weeks and I have been assessing how my work out schedule is going to work when I am back in the full swing of things. I think that it might actually be easier in some ways to work out while in school because I will already be doing things to the motivation and time schedule will be in motion.

There is a 24 hour fitness close to school... actually just a short jaunt off of the road that I take to go home. It is looking like at least one day a week I can go before classes and then one day a week in between classes and one day a week after class. Tuesdays I don't have class (!!) so I can still meet my friend at the gym. That just leaves Monday... Now, to be honest, I don't have the greatest motivation on Monday. It is sort of my day to get back into the week so it might be okay that I have a full schedule on Monday. Anyhow, I think that it shouldn't be a problem to work in some work-out time which is a good thing. It will be especially easy if all I am doing is cardio since I can go in and get an hour of cardio done and then leave. Easy peasy.

Alright, just the brief update. Things for the wedding are coming along nicely. We are just putting save the dates together and thinning out the guest list due to budget. (I hate how expensive things are in the city!) By the way, if anyone has some basic photoshop advice, I could use it. :)

Have an amazing day knowing that you are the light of the world,

Sarah

Been awhile....

2009-09-08T10:28:00.000-07:00

Sorry all for the brief hiatus, but life has been busy and I will admit that I needed a break from the look/exercise frustration. I have still been working out, though perhaps not quite as religiously as when I first embarked on this journey at the beginning of the summer. I have decided to re-vamp what I was doing in the hopes that it would better fit with my goal of loosing some pounds and some chub. I have now basically stopped doing any lifting and am just focusing on doing lots of cardio. My friend and I have been doing around 80 to 90 minutes of cardio twice a week for the last two weeks. I think that I am slowly starting to see results. I know that if I could kick it back up to doing things 5 days a week that I would probably start to see results a lot faster, and perhaps in the next three weeks before school starts I will try, but I have also been going camping every weekend and rearranging rooms in the house and cleaning things out which has been a big but rewarding project. I love the feeling of having more space in the house. In this case, it is not a lot of visible space yet, but still, the clearing out of storage space feels great.

I will say that I managed to run a mile last week without needing my inhalor!! Hooray!! I would really like to try to get my running stamina up because I feel that it is something that I would be able to do anywhere and easily with little time commitment. That would be perfect for my busy school schedule. We will see if I can up that one mile maybe to two miles before school starts. :)

In more difficult news, I had a complete mental and emotional break down over shooting our engagement photos. Part of why I had wanted to start this exercise at the beginning of the summer was because I knew that I would have to shoot these photos near the end of the summer and I thought that maybe I could make some progress and I wouldn't look too bad. I look bad. Really bad. Or let's just say, I don't think that I look like myself. My very good friend said to just think of them as expensive before and after pictures. These are before and the wedding photos will be the after. I can only hope that those words come true. I also finally broke down and went to try on wedding dresses.... Again, it wasn't as miserable as I thought that it would be, but I still don't really think that I look like me. I am going to have to order something soon though because it takes so long for the dress to come into the store. I am pushing it already for alterations!

And so... I will leave you with another shot from the engagement session. It was shot in Discovery Park by Andy Rogers at Red Box Studios (an amazing photography studio in Seattle!)

Best,

Sarah

Confidence

2009-08-20T12:59:00.000-07:00

What is the deal with confidence? One day it is there lifting you up into the best feeling of your life.... The next day, it is a deserter that leaves you feeling like you don't want to show your face in the world. How do we keep the momentum of flying high going? For me, I feel like it is the times when I step a little out of routine when I feel the most confident. It is not an easy thing to do always, but the change of perspective is always a welcome insight. Does it make the next day an inevitable down fall then since you felt so incredible the day before? In particular I am thinking about a day just last week when I did the work to curl my hair and put on some make up for the day and I felt amazing... maybe the best that I have felt about my looks in months. The next day, I didn't feel like showing my face to the world because I didn't have the time to curl my hair again. Would I have even felt as phenomenal as I had the first time? My point being that it seems like one has to do something new and invigorating to their routine everyday in order to bolster confidence anew. I get the sense that this doesn't have to be a major thing, but something small that shakes up the routine just enough so that you have a sense of accomplishment daily.

I feel that I am slipping up on my accountability to everyone for working towards my health and weight loss. Honestly, since the heat wave and the week following, I admit to having lost momentum on my plan and my routine. I have been working out, but by no means on the daily warpath that I was bent on at the start of this a few weeks ago. I even chose to use my inhalor today to help me through my workout. While some of this stems from a loss of momentum and a lot of other things falling onto my plate that I would like to accomplish before summer's end, I think that most of it stems from feeling like nothing is helping me to shed weight. I haven't lost one pound as of last week.... not one. I sincerely do not understand why, with a significant increase in movement and a healthy diet, nothing is changing. It is beyond discouraging to say the least. And, it leads me to think that something else must be going on. This is a call for even more difficult work... sitting with myself to determine where I am at and how I got there. I have felt more called to the

meditation cushion lately, but have not yet carved out the time to get there. I feel that I need to make that time for myself. I have always felt that I am able to be the best that I can be when I have the least on my plate. I wish that I could go on a spa retreat for a few months where the only things that I had to do were to exercise, eat well, meditate, nap, read inspiring material, do yoga, breathe, and contemplate. I feel in that environment, I could achieve anything. A friend of mine today reminded me to focus on the positives (I can now breathe!) and that a watched pot never boils. If you aren't happy with yourself now, she says, are you really going to be happy with yourself 5 pound lighter? Yes!! I want to shout, but as I give it some thought, I am not so sure. I wasn't happy with myself when I was much smaller. In fact, I had the same complaints about the same "problem" areas. Maybe she has a point.

Here is what I can say about myself in this moment:

I am 29 years old. I have two crazy cats and an incredible fiancee who I don't show enough gratitude towards. I have moved undoubtedly into the beginnings of my Saturn return. I have black hair that I love and I am a great dancer. Thanks to my dedicated efforts to help my body, in only a few short weeks, I have gone from asthma inhalor dependent to medication free. That is something to celebrate!

Namaste,

Sarah

Getting back to the routine

2009-08-12T13:36:00.000-07:00

So, after the week of heat where everyone in the Seattle area was melting, followed by the week of board exams and family weddings out of state... it has now been officially two weeks of down time where I haven't been working out. Ugh. that is almost as long as I HAD been working out. I have definitely noticed a change in my lung function and overall energy level as well. Not quite back to where I started from, but I definitely don't feel as good as I did when I was in my routine. To me, this just proves that I can effectively get myself healthy with diet and exercise. It also proves that, for the moment, it needs to be my full time job. :)

I am happy to announce that as of this morning, I am back on track with both exercise and cooking healthy at home. I checked out the Dancing with the Stars latin cardio workout DVD from the library to check it out. It was fun, but certainly not as intense as my normal workout DVDs. I appreciated that there were four different types of dances to learn, each progressively more active. I think that the real workout though came at the end with the dancer's toning workout. I wish that there had been more of that than just the 10 minutes at the end. I am glad to be using the DVD for a change of workout, but glad that it is only checked out from the library. I just checked out Yoga Booty Ballet from the library today and I hear that it is awesome. I will let you know in the next couple of days! (The name is definitely a winner!)

Otherwise, there is not a lot going on here. I am finding that the plight of the world is a difficult thing to tackle. How do you change the attitude of the world around you when the people in power (aka the big businesses, the media, etc) only produce and show a side of the world that is meant to keep people in fear and negativity. Can you imagine how different the world would be if the news was all about the stories where people helped each other out and the television shows were about teaching people to be better humanitarians instead of murder and deceit?

I suppose for my part, I have to keep trying to put myself out there as an example of community and compassion. It is not something that is easy for me to do. As was well noted to me, I am good at connecting and understanding and not so good and reminding myself to walk the talk all the time and in every day life. I think that I am the best at living compassion when I am completely alone. I find that it is the moments when I am on my own agenda just running errands or going to a park that I am able to manifest the compassionate mindset the most. What is the bridge that leads from there to being able to embody community all of the time? Is it possible in the big city? It is so difficult to instill change in myself, how can I hope to reach out to effect others?

In closing, as one of my favorite teachers closes each of his classes with...

Go gently, knowing thy goodness.

~Sarah~

Seattle Heat Wave

2009-07-29T10:17:00.000-07:00

Just look at that! This is the weather report that I pulled off of Komo 4's website. 100 today!! That is insane! It never gets this hot in Seattle. Needless to say, we are all dieing out here... Well, everyone except my finacee who keeps saying that this isn't that hot. I suppose that he is used to it being from the midwest. I guess this is good practice for me so that I don't immediately turn into a Sarah puddle when we move there.(If we move there....)

Soooo... I was a trooper yesterday and did all sorts of working out in the morning, when it was still only in the 80s. Today it is already like 85 degrees out and it isn't even 10:30 as I am writing this. Unfortunately, I am foregoing my work out today and potentially tomorrow. Darn! Just as I am maybe seeing the beginnings of some results.... After working out yesterday in the heat, I felt sick and lethargic for awhile after and, as much as I want to be the warrior athlete, I am not willing to put my body (new to an exercise routine to begin with!) through all of that unnecessarily. It just means that I will really have to watch my intake of food and try to get my butt to an air conditioned gym.

Results... I do think that maybe I am seeing a little bit of result in my tummy region... It isn't very much but apparently enough that a classmate of mine that I saw yesterday for the first time in a bit said something. That felt nice. I realize that I am going the bulk up first method that builds muscle and then burns fat... so you have to get "bigger" before you get smaller... but the the smaller part says easier and longer because you have replaced fat with muscle. I know, I know... I get it... That doesn't mean that it isn't hard to wait and watch and wait... and wait..... Still, from now until school starts is still another almost two months and I think that I can get some results by then. My initial goal was to make it until then and my reward is to go shopping for some professional clinic clothes. I really hope that I can make that goal. I forsee that if after three months of working out I am not seeing some sort of result that I am going to be in for a rough disappointment. But, let's focus on the positive and go from there.

In wedding news, I think that we are going to try to do a modern, vintage theme (I know... it's an oxymoron). If anyone finds any great suggestions... will you send them my way? August is going to be wedding planning month for sure! (Finally!) I am so excited!!

Ugh... I am going to go and cover myself in ice packs.... sooo.... hot....

toodles!
Sarah

Still on the bandwagon!

2009-07-22T13:43:00.001-07:00

Even though I am less than excited for my lack of results... I am still on the workout horse. For those who are tracking, I have now officially moved up to level two of my cardio DVD workout and let me tell you... the jump from level one to level two feels like Mt. Everest!! The 10 minute new add on is nothing but a solid non-stop, no resting plyometric meltdown. Mountain climbers and tire jumps and butt kicks and jump rope and sumo jumping jacks and..... I thought that I was going to die the first two days! But amazingly, today... only on the third day... my body is already rising to the challenge and building up stamina and endurance. Hooray! And I must say that my lungs feel a TON better! I now am only taking my inhalor just before I exercise and if I take the non-steroidal one then I don't usually need my rescue inhalor at all. That is a far cry from the wheezing, couldn't finish my workout place that I was in only a month ago. In that respect, I am seeing a huge improvement!

So, it is Wednesday and I have worked out all three days this week so far. I also went and saw No Doubt on Sunday and danced like crazy for two hours straight, so that was like a bonus

workout. :) While I am not visually getting the results that I may want, I have to say that I am feeling better... more energetic during the day, not as tired. It is a nice feeling. I am listening to the advise of a friend who, upon hearing my troubles when trying on aforementioned dress and jeans, said, you should just wear comfy yoga pants and blousy shirts for a while. I think that she is right. It is upsetting to not be able to fit into the things that I want to, but I do understand the biochemistry that I have to build muscle and bulk up first before I am going to burn significant amounts of fat. I get it. The hard part is getting my mind to be on board with what the future is going to hold and not staying stuck in what the present is displaying. I think that wearing comfy, loose clothing is a great way to not get trapped focusing on what doesn't work and instead focusing on what I have been dedicated to doing every day and the health benefits that I am definitely experiencing from it.

I do have a question for the community at large out there. There are so many different ways of how and what to eat when you are trying to gear up for weight loss. Anyone have a particular method that has worked great for them or someone they know that they feel inspired to share with me? It would be much appreciated!!

Tomorrow's goal is to get through the cardio level two AND the sculpting level two (and still have the energy to meet a friend at the gym afterwards!). Wish me luck!!

-Sarah

(Check out Marilyn's rockin' bod!)

Discouragement....

2009-07-14T10:38:00.000-07:00

I am completely discouraged with this whole exercise thing. I was super good last week and worked out every day, Monday through Friday and even twice on Thursday!! Hooray! Then, this weekend, I was on a trip in the Cascades for school and we did two small hikes, one on Saturday that wasn't very difficult and then a short trek up the side of a small mountain on Sunday. So I got some bonus movement in this weekend too! I haven't really altered my eating habits too much yet, although I have been trying to be more conscious about eating bigger plant matter portions and eating smaller portions of things in general. I certainly don't think that I have been eating more or worse than normal. If there has been any change, it has only been for the better.

So, why the discouragement you might wonder. Well, I got home last night and put on one of my favorite dresses... and it was tighter than it had been before. I was so in shock that I wasn't sure what emotional response to have. Then this morning, I put on my normal everyday pair of jeans and they too are tighter than normal. That was the last straw and it brought me to tears this morning. What is going on? How am I now bigger than I was when I ate worse and didn't exercise? I am totally baffled... and completely disheartened. If just one week of continually increased movement is going to cause that much of a problem, then what will several weeks look like. I feel as though I am gaining muscle mass perhaps, but not loosing any of the fat that is overlying... Thus I am bulking up like the Michelin Man and not happy about it to say the least.

I am going to trust in the process for at least three weeks more... that first month of consistent exercise was my promise to myself, but I am going to admit that my motivation

do so is waning and I am feeling discouraged, not encouraged, to continue based on the results that have occurred thus far. Mostly I just don't understand and am SO frustrated. Why isn't it working for me when it works for thousands of other people. I don't know what I am doing wrong...

Sniffle...

Sarah

Monday....

2009-07-06T16:33:00.001-07:00

One day down this week.....

Musings of an Oregon Traveller

2009-07-05T11:05:00.000-07:00

Hello all. I am one week back from a trip to Oregon where I got to study all kinds of medicinal plants! It was amazing!! This flower to the right is called Nigella of which there are many species. This particular variety is called "Love In The Mist" which I think is wonderful. The Koran speaks of this plant as being able to cure everything except death. Amazing what such a small, beautiful flower can do.

Since I had left right after finals were over, I have given myself this week "off" to do whatever I want, when I want to do it, before buckling down to start studying for the basic science board exams, which are in August. What does this mean in terms of exercise?? It means that I have only worked out twice since Tuesday and the hopes of working out today (I have a lot of errand-y things to get done around the house) are few. Sigh. And I was so motivated just a week ago. What happened?? It is interesting for me, since I have started this blog, I now feel like there is the added pressure that I am not just letting myself and my body down if I don't get the blood pumping, but that I am potentially letting a greater community down. I WANT to get healthy. However, it seems that no matter how much I want that to happen, it is still difficult every day to convince myself that I need to take the time to put some physical work behind the desire. I don't know why it is so hard; I know that I always feel so good afterwards, why am I just not more excited to do it??

Interesting, I didn't take the time to do much exercise on the trip. We were out and about most days the entire day (touring farms or driving etc.) and on the down times, I was resting from the heat and working on my herb journal. I did still do the rest of the protocall that I am on: unda numbers and B vitamins etc. I was amazed at how crappy I felt not having some sort of exercise in my routine on a regular basis. Even though we were out wandering around all day, I definitely noticed that I feel better when I am taking a moment to do some vigorous movement daily. It was a nice confirmation that what I am doing is actually having an effect. :)

These little frogs were everywhere at one place we were at! Anyway, so my journey is reawakening and I am on board for the ride. I am sticking with my pledge to wake up and work out four to five days a week (I don't really see why I can't do it Mon - Fri) and additionally, I now have a standing date to meet a friend at the gym Tuesday and Thursdays every week in the afternoon. Plus, if the weather stays warm, I can see trips to my apartment's pool as a great way to cool down and decompress from studying. So... with all of that on my plate, I am staring the start of another week in the face. My only wish is for success and my only goal is to make it to the end of the week having done what I set out to do. Little goals... little successes... Hopefully that will speed me on my way to the results that I want.

Namaste,

Sarah

Viva La Vie Boheme!

2009-06-21T11:28:00.000-07:00

Sitting on a chilly Sunday morning in a busy cafe. The hustle and bustle of the world around me is comforting as a city girl, though it makes me stop and ponder our lack of connection to the natural world and hence, ourselves. In this process of finding true wellness, I am coming to understand and appreciate my body on a new level. As a child and teenager, I had spacial awareness of my body from dance, but no real relationship to it as my metabolism just kept working away quickly at whatever I put in it. I had an iron stomach you might say, and so no connection to the internal process that was happening. Now, as I become more sensitive and more aware, I take note of how different foods and situations effect my body on a physical level. Last night, for example, my parents took me and Kris out to dessert to celebrate the end of the school year. One scoop of salted carmel ice cream, several bites of cheesecake, a chocolate ginger martini, and half a piece of mousse torte in... I could feel myself breaking into a cold sweat as my blood sugar spiked. (And yes, I did work out yesterday morning!) I think that even if my journey towards being well doesn't end in a place where I can run and jump as a "normal" person might be able to, I am finally starting to have glimpses of the wholeness and peace that many people find in healing... even when that healing does not equal the conventional term of "cure."

On a somewhat separate note, I saw RENT yesterday at the Paramount Theater and was happily reminded why this is my favorite musical of all time. There is something about the energy and the message of finding a community with deep roots grounded in love and passion for life in a world that creates isolation and anonymity that resonates in a space deep inside my soul. We were lucky enough to have tickets to this tour in particular because the original Mark and Roger (Anthony Rapp and Adam Pascal respectively) were performing and such a treat to see. Though this is now the fourth (fifth?) time that I have seen the musical live, it always is just as amazing as the first time. I also appreciate that the crowd, made up mostly of young people, brings such vibrant energy and invested emotion to the room. If only the sentiment could be brought out into the "real" world so that there was more connection.

It amazes me that I can walk down the street and not have a single person that I pass smile or even acknowledge my presence. What has happened to Seattle?? Has it changed? Have I? Maybe some of both. Since moving away to Boulder and then back, this is the first time that I have ever experienced the so called "Seattle Chill." People that I used to know well and be close with now don't make the effort to connect and communicate, or more extreme, completely refuse to talk to me altogether. I don't understand it. I am sure that I have changed too, but the attitude of the city as a whole seems different to me now. I no longer have the deep seated love for the grey water-logged mountainous energy that is Seattle. For the first time in my life, I don't think that I necessarily want to settle down here unless something changes very drastically. The transition back into Sea-town (which will always be my hometown) has been rough and is not complete in any way whatsoever. Only time will tell how my ever changing relationship with the city, its inhabitants and my dwindling community is going to turn. I can only be along for the ride and play my part as it arises.

And so, on a sleepy Sunday... I leave you with a happy father's day to all who are lucky enough to be fathers, a happy summer solstice (even though the weather is very cloudy here today!) and some words from RENT....

There is no future, there is no past, I live this moment as my last. There's only us, there's only this, forget regret... or life is yours to miss. No other road, no other way...

No Day But Today.

Go get a Gyro!

2009-06-18T13:52:00.000-07:00

If you live in the Seattle area and you have not been to Mr. Gyros yet, go. Just put down whatever you are doing and go there right now. This place is awesome. First of all, it is a tiny local business and I am all for supporting that. Second of all the food is great. (There is even vegan falafel options and plates with no wheat or dairy so everyone can eat there!!) And last, which I think is really the best reason to go there, the guys that run it seriously love what they are doing. I always take food to go there, but yesterday I sat down and ate there quickly. The two guys who work there knew everyone's name and story, and even if they didn't, they still treated you like a regular. It was amazing. They are always SO happy and play bumping techno music in the background. The place is small and usually crowded and the guys (who are the only ones who work there as far as I can tell) take a break from 4 to 5pm (so don't go then). It is at 8411 Greenwood Ave N just one door up from Neptune Coffee (a great coffee shop... if you haven't been there you should go there too!) just 1/2 a block south of 85th.

Anyway, day two on the blog... I haven't done any exercise yet today because it is still finals week and I had to get up and take a final this morning so it disrupted my pattern. I find that it is very easy for me to get derailed if I have to work outside of what I have set up. I suppose that I am going to have to find the motivation to get moving even when life doesn't allow me to be perfectly on track.

Today it is compounded by the fact that I need to study for my last final and my brain immediately says "study... working out is keeping you from studying." Thankfully, this is the last hurdle until my summer of freedom and time to work on myself and make me a priority (which I am terrible at).

Until next time.... hai! Majide!!

Sarah

2009-06-17T10:57:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone! So, I am giving in to the world of digital media and have decided to post a blog. Scary. I have noticed that I am going through some distinct times of change in my life at the moment. My outlet for these things when I was younger was to journal about it, and indeed I have many boxes of pretty books filled with such writings. This seems to be the new era of journaling. I don't know how I feel about it yet, but I do know that I am on the computer a lot already and I can type faster than I can write (finally!) so I think that this will be a better way for me to incorporate journaling back into my life.

So, let me tell you the real reason I started a blog. I need support. I am on a mission to get healthy and to do it without being on steroid inhalers or any other icky drug. This is important to me for a couple of reasons: 1. I want to be healthy so that I can do the things that I want to do in my life (i.e. be able to have healthy kids and run around with them, go hiking, DANCE, etc.) and 2. I want to do it without drugs because I want to experience the medicine that I am learning in action and bring that knowledge to my patients in the future. So, let me tell you what I have tried and what I am doing.

Tried: steroid (beclamethazone) maintenance inhalers, Phosphorus homeopathic remedy, lobelia tea, fish oils, anti-inflammatory diet.

Currently: Unda remedies, low wheat and dairy diet, cell salts, gemmotherapy, CoQ10, B complex, ashwaganda supplement, cromyln inhaler, and contrast hydrotherapy.

I have been working with a ND trained in biotheraputic drainage (the Unda numbers etc) and so far it has been working great. I don't need to take my inhaler very often and I feel that I am slowly being weened off of it all together.

So, where does the support part come in, you may be asking. The thing that I need and want to do for myself is the one that is the most difficult for me.... regular exercise. I need to tone up, build some muscle, loose some weight and I gave myself the summer "off" so that I could have some time to take care of myself. Even so, I need support. My amazing fiance Kris suggested Facebook updates as a way to gain support. I took that idea and ran with a blog instead because I think this forum feels more natural to me. So, the plan is up in the morning by 8ish, work out from 8:30 or so until 9:30, shower and be ready for the day by 10am. I thought that this plan sounded doable and not overwhelming so I am going to aim for 3 - 4 times a week to start off with and will hopefully work up to at least Mon - Fri. I will post updates with pictures and stories as I work up to the final goal, which is to shape up and loose 30 pounds before my wedding date in March.

If you feel like cheering me on please leave messages of encouragement, stories of your own struggles, tips that have worked for you or anything else that is helpful and inspiring. It would be much appreciated...

Okay... I promise not every entry will be this long, and who knows what else this blog will entail... I like lots of things and I am planning a wedding so I am sure that some of those updates will naturally filter in. Until the next time, bring peace to the world around you.

Sarah

p.s. The kick off update: two days down, two workouts down! Right on track!!